I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
