It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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