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I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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