Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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