I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
