Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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