nut hugger
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I looked at my own cervix.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
