I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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