Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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