I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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