he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
