dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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