Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
