I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
