There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
