I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
