Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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