I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
