Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Someone came in the potted fern
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
