Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
