listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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