Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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