Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Is Oprah even human
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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