Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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