Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
