And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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