i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
