WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
