How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
