Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
