I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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