Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
