I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
