i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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