Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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