I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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