As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
