no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
