My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Are my feet made of real feet?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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