i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
