On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
