I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
