i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
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I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
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I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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