Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
