i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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