getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
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Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize