the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
