I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
