I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
