Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
