To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
