I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
