i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
