plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
