i just google imaged poop.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
