I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
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i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
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So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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