Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
