I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
