It's like God shit irony all over that family
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
