she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
