I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
